I can't sleep

I can’t sleep

I’m awake. A good three hours before I usually get up.

It was still dark before I made my flax waffles.

I had a bad day yesterday. It didn’t help that the humidity in NYC was unbearable or that my ankles looked more like softballs or that it rained buckets.

I felt really ugly.

If I just looked at my baby belly, I was beautiful. But if I focused on myself, I was repulsed.

Ankles…told you about them. My legs are pale, translucent and in desperate need of some self tanner. I sweat…a lot…and it’s getting more difficult to even shave my legs, and forget about my bikini area — it’s hard to see beyond my belly.

My skin is a disaster. And it’s not just pimples on my face; it’s my arms, my chest, my neck.

And when I looked in the mirror at myself, unshaven stark white legs that looked like sausages stuffed into nerd shoes, I had a moment of depression.

Am I thinking too much about vanity? Maybe.

But it is what it is. It is how I am feeling.

Some say you give up everything for your kids. But I don’t believe you should. I want to still be me, a better me, a mom me, but a mom that is still me.

I went to bed around 9:45pm last night. Woke up twice to pee and that final time I got up, around 4:30am, I don’t think I ever went back to sleep.

I decided to stop tossing and turning and get up. Feed the cats, feed myself those flax omega-3 waffles I eat just for my twins, get to work early so I can leave early.

I will shave today. Apply a little self tanner on those legs. Wear my heels. And hope for a better day.